


Whoopee

by tiedyeflag



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: 505 mentioned, Bad Pick Up Lines, Practical Jokes, bh doesn't know about human things again, demencia is a prankster, whoopee cusions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 00:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11391141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiedyeflag/pseuds/tiedyeflag
Summary: Flug loses a bet to Demencia, so he must tell a terrible pick up line to Black Hat. Little does Flug know that Demencia has something more planned...





	Whoopee

“Dem, I can’t,” whispered Flug.

“Too bad, you gotta,” Demencia smirked. Both minions stood hid the corner while they observed the dining room. Black Hat stood at one side of the room while trying to wrestle out of 505’s bear hug. Every morning, 505 would greet everyone with a hug, hugging Black Hat last, and the hardest.

“Dem, I’m telling you I can’t!” Flug glared at Demencia. “At least, not without Black Hat killing me!”

“Buuuuut you lost the bet, Flugbug,” She waggled her eyebrows. “So you gotta tell him!”

Flug glanced at Black Hat, trembling. His knees knocked together as he saw his boss finally free himself from 505’s paws. He straightened his coat before he picked up a newspaper he dropped.

Demencia squealed, “Now or never!” and shoved Flug into the open dining room. Flug yelped as he tripped his way inside, narrowly missing falling headfirst into Black Hat’s arms. He wished he had, for that would mean a sooner, swifter death. He’d much prefer to die before doing what he was about to do, which would surely get him killed as well.

“G--good morning, s--sir,” Flug stampered.

“Morning,” Black Hat deadpanned. “Is there something you wished to tell me?”

“Uh--Uh--A--actually, sir, yes…” Flug coughed and toyed with his hands.

“Well?” Black Hat growled. “Spit it out, Flug. It better be good.”

“Er--yes, yes sir,”

“Ah,” Black Hat grinned, “Good news on the progress of the deadly killer canes?”

“It’s...not what I was, was going to say, b--but I’ve made good progress, sir!” Flug stiffened as he felt Demencia’s eyes bore holes in the back of his head. She might as well have heat vision, burning holes through his precious paper bag. 

“Excellent,” Black Hat scratched his chin with his long claws, almost purring with pleasure. Then his glare returned as he said, “And? What else did you wish to tell me?”

Flug worried his lip while he tugged at the collar of his shirt, feeling sweat trickle down his neck. “I--I--I just wanted to--to tell--I mean, ask you if--if you--” He swallowed. “If you had--had just--”

“Flug, for the love of satan--”

“DID YOU JUST FART ‘CAUSE YOU BLOW ME AWAY!” Flug screamed.

Silence. Besides Demencia snickering behind the corner.

Flug screwed his eyes shut when he yelled, and still kept them shut. He raised his arms above his head, bracing for an onslaught of Black Hat’s claws and spit and who knows what else.

“Flug?” asked Black Hat.

Flug cracked open his eyes a fraction.

“What...what did you just say?” Black Hat’s brows were not furrowed, but were raised in confusion.

“I--I--I--” 

Demencia burst in, clinging to Flug’s shoulders as she giggled, “He just told you the worst pick up line in history, that’s what!”

“I...I don’t get it,”

Flug blinked. “You...don’t know what a pick up line is, sir?”

“Of course I know what a pick up line is, you dolt!” Black Hat barked as he walked towards his chair at the table. “It’s one of your human’s boring rituals for obtaining a mate.”

“That’s...one way of putting it,” Flug scratched his head. “But what about it do you not get?”

“You asked if I had...what did you say?”

“F--farted, sir.”

Demencia broke out into more snickering.

“What is that?” asked Black Hat.

Both Flug and Demencia froze.

“You seriously don’t know…?” Demencia asked. “Wait, so does that mean you don’t fart?”

“How can I tell if you don’t tell me what it is?” Black Hat pulled out his chair. “Honestly, judging by the sound of it,” He lowered himself into his seat as he continued, “it’s probably some mundane and idiotic human--”

_ PBBBBBBTH!!! _

Black Hat sat as straight as a pole, looking perplexed, while Flug stared, and Demencia bent over laughing.

“What is the meaning--?!” Black Hat leapt from the chair to find a peculiar rubber object on the seat. He pinched it with the tips of his claws and held it in the air. 

“Would someone  _ kindly _ explain,” He hissed, “Why there is a  _ whoopee cushion _ on my chair?!”

“Sir, I--I had no idea, Demencia just made me say the fart pick up line, I swear!” Flug cried.

Meanwhile, Demencia wiped tears from her eyes as her laughter died down. With a giggle, she said, “I found some rubber in Flug’s lab and made it all by myself!”

Flug slapped his face. “I’m not even going to ask what else you took from my lab.” Then he lowered his hand and said, “ But, sir, er, do you know what a whoopee cushion is used for…?”

“Naturally. It’s a cheap tool for immature pranks. You fill it with air and when decompressed it makes a whoopee noise.” He poked at the rubber with his claw. A split second later, air whistled out of the bag.  Once all the air escaped, the bag sat in Black Hat’s hand as a deflated, sad looking lump.

“Anyway,” Black Hat tossed the rubber remains over his shoulder. “Where were we?”

Flug’s eyes went wide. “Did...did you just say it makes a ‘whoopee’ noise…?”

“Yes,”

Flug froze, then his shoulders shook. He cupped his hands over his bag, where his mouth would be, where little bursts of laughter slipped out.

“You--you call them--pfft!--that’s--aha--ahaHAHA!!”

“Okay, new rule!” Demencia yelled between laughs. “From this point on, we shall call farts ‘whoppees’!” Then she succumbed, and guffawed all over the floor.

“What do you…” Black Hat’s face fell. “...You mean to tell me I’ve been calling ‘farts’ by the wrong names my  _ entire life?” _

“Y--yes, sir ahaHAHAHA!!!” Flug cried.

A hot flush rose to Black Hat’s cheeks as he muttered, “oh.”

Demencia pulled herself off the ground and onto the table, panting. “Do you even know what far--whoopees are?”

“Er...no.” Black Hat’s blush darkened.

“We--we’ll tell you after breakfast, I promise.” said Flug as he got to his feet, still wheezing from laughter. “Oh, man, I needed that.”

“You should lose bets more often, Flugbug,” Demencia scurried into her seat in front of Flug.

“Maybe I should…” Flug sat in his chair as well.

Black Hat sighed, and finally sat in his chair. “You humans are all idiots,” He muttered, and opened his newspaper. “Flug, tell that bear to hurry up with breakfast.”

“Yes, si--” Flug paused. Under his bag his face broke into another wide grin. He then motioned at Demencia to the cover of the newspaper. Both of them gazed at the headline.

WHOOPEE CUSHION FACTORY BLOWN UP, RESULTING IN MASSIVE FART SOUNDWAVE

Snickering once again filled the air. Flug buried his face into his arms while Demencia hit the table with her fist. They barely noticed 505 placing hot plates of breakfast in front of them. Meanwhile, Black Hat’s hands tightened around the paper, already tearing holes through it. With a growl, he stood sharply from his seat, stuffed the paper under his armpit, and marched away.

“Aroo?” 505 said while holding a plate of eggs and bacon shaped like Black Hat’s face.

“I’m an eldritch horror from the depths of hell and I do NOT need to eat!!!” Black Hat roared. “I’m going to my room!! Do NOT disturb me!!!”

He stomped around the corner and down the hall until a door slammed, echoing throughout the mansion. By now, Flug and Demencia had calmed down, though smiles still remained on their faces. 

“So,” Demencia said through a mouthful of waffles, “Which one of us will tell him what far--whoopees are?”

“I guess I’ll do it,” Flug shrugged, “I just hope I can do it with a straight face.”

“Do me a favor and find out if he does it, too.”

Flug stopped cutting midway through his pancakes. “Wait--you mean if Black Hat  _ farts?” _

“Yeah!”

“That...doesn’t sound like the sexiest thing to discover about your crush,”

“Nope, but it’s pretty funny!” Demencia stuffed more waffles into her mouth.

“If you say so,”

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry  
> That I am not sorry
> 
> Please forgive my sense of humor


End file.
